Men are Different

Is that a "duh" statement or what? Around Mother's Day, I wrote about how women are different. I figure it's the guys' turn now. hehehe

We all know that men are bigger, stronger and can lose weight more easily than us—the last we hate them for. I suppose I'd better insert my caveat: the above and what follows are generalizations and don't apply to all men.

In this post, I'm concentrating on how they think. I mentioned before about the workshop Eileen Dreyer did for Mid-Michigan RWA's Retreat from Harsh Reality in April on how men's and women's brains are different. Since this was a retreat for writers, the purpose was so the characters in our books are more true to life and their motivations more realistic. A side benefit (which many of us talked about during meals) was she helped us understand our guys. Those of us who've lived with a man—father, brother, best friend, son, husband—already knew that men think differently. Many of us didn't know why or to what extent.

Men are wired for survival. From the beginning of time, their job was to hunt, thereby providing for the family/clan, while women protected the nest. This delineation of the sexes remained unchanged until the last century. Men are becoming (or allowing themselves to be) more nurturing. They are sharing child care with their spouses. As a mother and grandmother, I'm thrilled to see men becoming more involved with their babies. They don't hand off the baby with a stinky diaper. They read bedtime stories and, in general, share responsibilities with their wives.

Women define themselves by who they know, whereas men define themselves by what they do, which certainly explains why it's so devastating to a man when he loses his job. Or retires. He's lost his purpose. If a woman loses her job or retires, she still has her friends and family—the people with whom she has bonded. Women share their feelings with other women. Men don't. They talk about achievements and sports. "How 'bout those Lions?" Which makes when we start talking about how we feel almost painful for our guys. Sometimes, I think they'd rather have a root canal than discuss how they feel.

Men tend to be single-task oriented. Sorry, guys, but we multi-task better. Well, most of us do. I'm told I have tunnel vision when I'm into a project. Here's something I wasn't aware of: when men are in the middle of a task, they are so absorbed they don't feel pain. Whoa. We should have gotten that trait. It would've come in handy during childbirth.

Did you know that a sense of color is attached to the x chromosome? Is that why my guy can't tell the difference between beige and tan? To him, it's brown. Women have a more highly refined sense of smell, too, which probably explains why men don't smell the onions in the wastebasket.

Men are problem solvers. They want/need to fix things. Which is wonderful when the AC doesn't work in the middle of a summer heat wave or the garbage disposal doesn't work. However, don't you want them to just listen when you try to talk out a problem and not tell you how to fix it? "Now, honey, this is what you should do . . ." I have to say the guy I live with has never (not that I can remember, anyway) told me what to do—especially with my writing career. He doesn't do it with our kids, either, though there were times when they were young that I wanted him to. Instead, he patiently waits for us to work out our problems, come to our own conclusions, make our own mistakes. When asked, he offers information and, sometimes, suggestions. The best part is he doesn't say "I told you so" when our decisions don't work out.

There were many other points Eileen made during her talk, but this next one surprised me the most. To men, help means failure. If a man offers help to another man, this translates as that person doesn't think he's capable of doing the job. Consequently, men wait to be asked for help. Women see help a lot differently. We see what needs to be done and offer help instead of waiting to be asked. We often wish our guys would do the same. Really, I don't think I'm a failure if he offers to run the vacuum. Women helping each other (say, in the kitchen) is a time of bonding and sharing. One of my brothers started hanging out in the kitchen after large family gatherings because that's how he found out what was happening in the family.

Men tend to be more left brained—detail oriented, stronger in math and sciences. Women tend to be more right brained—languages, arts. Again, a generalization, but it's interesting how many female writers are married to engineers (raising my hand here). I wonder if it works the other way. Do male writers (musician, artists) marry scientists?

For all our differences, we make good teams. Rather than declaring one sex is better than the other, I think we complement each other. Together we are stronger than we are as individuals. Although we drive each other crazy at times, I wouldn't want to go through life without my guy.

If this post about the differences between the sexes helps you write better characters with more believable motivation, great. If you understand your guy(s) better, terrific. I know Eileen Dreyer's talk certainly helped me understand some behaviors. One of the really great things about the time we're living in now is that men's roles and women's roles are no longer etched in stone. Women can be "hunters" who bring home the necessities of life and men can be "nurturers". Again, complementing each other.

Although this is a day late, Happy Father's Day to all the men who are modeling to today's children what a "real" man is. To our fathers who are no longer with us, we miss you.

 Forty years ago, on Father's Day, I told my dad I'd met the man I was going to marry. We'd had two dates and I knew he was the one. Happy Father's Day, again, sweetie.

Women Are Different

     Well, that's a no-brainer. Different is good. It means we're distinctive, special. Last week, I mentioned that Eileen Dreyer was our speaker at Mid-Michigan RWA's Retreat from Harsh Reality. This very talented, best-selling author brought to her workshop the research she did into how men's and women's brains are different. In light of the upcoming holiday celebrating mothers, I thought this topic was worth musing on this Monday morning. I hope you do, too.

     According to Eileen's research, the roles of men and women developed out of necessity millennia ago. Men hunted, women protected the nest. Men were physically stronger so they had the strength and stamina to stalk and take down animals to provide food for the clan. It made sense that someone had to stay behind and protect the campsite. The women. Don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying that because this was the case for centuries it should be the case today. I'm came of age in the sixties. Women's lib and equal rights are still my theme song. Just because we've always done things one way doesn't mean we have to keep doing them—especially if there's a better way. But that's a topic for another post. And please bear in mind as with any generalization there are always exceptions.

     Today, I started musing on the way women protect the nest. I grew up in the days when women worked until they got married or they went straight from their father's home to their husband's. (Note how sexist that sounds today.) After marriage, they stayed home to raise the children. The television shows of the era like "Father Knows Best" (think about that title), "Leave it to Beaver", and "The Donna Reed Show" demonstrated the role women were expected to play. What those programs didn't show was all the work women did to protect that nest. They hunted, too, only at the grocery store. Except for the time my mom—the city girl who grew up in St. Louis—shot a pheasant that was eating our corn. She not only protected the campsite from winged invaders, she provided food for the table. Yay, Mom.

     Men seem hard-wired to see the "big picture" while women sweat the details. (Perhaps that's why men need help finding the butter in the refrigerator.) While that seems to indicate a subservient role for women, think about it. Would anything get done if someone didn't take care of the details? The title Project Manager comes to mind.

     Women are the nurturers. Hand a guy a baby for the first time and he holds it out at arm's length. When a woman holds a baby, she cuddles it to her breast. Instinct? Think about teachers and nurses, traditional "women's" careers. Nurturing roles. Since the sixties, halleluiah, women have choices. And to be fair, so do men. But then they always did. I remember something attributed to Ginger Rogers about her doing everything Fred Astaire did only backwards and in high heels. Hasn't that always been true for women? And not just while dancing.

     A woman hears differently than a man. I don't mean the selective hearing men adopt when they're watching sports or don't want to discuss a topic. I always hear noises especially during the night. I have to wake up my husband and say "Did you hear that?" and he goes "Huh?" When my children were babies, I always heard them at night. Not just their crying but any of the variety of noises babies make. Mind you, this was before baby monitors. My husband claimed that when we were sleeping he heard the phone (he was on call 24/7) and never heard the babies while I heard the babies and didn't hear the phone. Hah. I heard both. He slept soundly when the kids were out on dates. I didn't until I heard them come in. I don't think I got a good night's sleep until they left for college. Talk about protecting the nest.

     Another way women are different is that we form communities. It made sense long ago that the nest protectors worked together to ensure no harm came to the camp while the men were out hunting. Women quickly discovered that many hands make the work light. We're stronger together than we are separately. Where do women congregate during parties and family get-togethers? In the kitchen, helping the hostess or keeping her company. Through bonding with other women, we tend to be the tradition keepers. As I've mentioned before, tradition is important in my family. Bridal and baby showers come to mind. Whenever we host a shower, we invite not just the aunts and adult female cousins but all the little girls in the family as well. It's a way for them to learn by observance and gives them the knowledge so that they can carry on traditions. A new tradition is developing, not just in my family, to include the prospective grooms and fathers. While it's nice that they're part of the celebration, not many guys get the fun/silly games we play that are part of showers. In my family, the guys tend to hang out in another room watching football/baseball/basketball (their form of bonding) until it's time to eat and open gifts. Whatever, it's the women who bring this all about. The organizers, the tradition keepers and tradition makers.

     Eileen Dreyer's talk, "His Brain/Her Brain", helped those of us who attended Retreat be aware of the differences between how men and women think so that we can be better writers. Unless we only write in the woman's point of view, we need to be more aware that men think differently. Then, when we write in his point of view, our work is more realistic. If you're interested, Eileen includes the slides from her presentation on her website. What her talk also did for many of us was to explain why men are the way they are and why they do some exasperating things. To borrow a line from the movie True Lies and twist it:  Men. Can't live with 'em. Can't kill 'em.

     Women are different. Women are special. Next Sunday, celebrate the great women in your life. The nurturers, nest protectors, tradition keepers. Where would we be without them?

What I Learned at Retreat

 Fun weekend. Informative weekend. Exhausting weekend. I came home from Mid-Michigan RWA’s Retreat from Harsh Reality and promptly took a nap. My brain was on overload and my body does not like late, late night brainstorming anymore.

Take note that “fun” came first in my description of the weekend. It is always so much fun to get together with fellow writers. Writing is a solitary business. Creating fiction demands a lot of alone time with one’s computer. Contrary to the logo of a television production company, a pair of hands on a typewriter keyboard really doesn’t work. So when writers get a chance to come out of their caves, it’s great to talk with like-minded people. And talk we did. We’re women, what can you expect?

Now, that last comment was not being sexist. Our speaker, the incomparable Eileen Dreyer, did a workshop on the differences between men’s and women’s brains. Women have always known guys think differently and ever since Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus we’ve had validation. Eileen took this further by explaining the hows and the whys of “His Brain/Her Brain”. Very fascinating. Like many generalizations, there are exceptions and I’m proud to say my guy can find the butter in the ‘frig and I can read maps. Believe me when I say lunchtime conversations were very animated. I don’t remember when a topic generated so much talk.

Retreat is not just about workshops, though. The purpose of the weekend was a chance to kick back and recharge our creative batteries. Mine certainly were. I enjoy the camaraderie of friends I’ve known for nearly twenty years and meeting newcomers who are just dipping their toes into the fiction writing pool. We come from all walks of life. We’re from small towns and metro areas. We’re married, single, and divorced. Our ages range from early twenties through seventies. We are newly published, best-selling authors, or just starting our first novel. As different as we are, we have one thing in common. We write.

Since we’re women, we talk. That’s a no-brainer. Eileen told us why. It is how we bond. We share our experiences, our knowledge of the industry. To our competition. Guys, generally, don’t get that. Why do we help each other? Because others have helped us. It’s what women do. Thank goodness for that. There is so much information “out there” it’s difficult to keep up. At conferences, we share what we know and learn from others. How great is that!

I’ve saved the best part of the weekend for last. Every year, Mid-Michigan RWA recognizes one member for outstanding service to the chapter. I am thrilled to be this year’s recipient of MMRWA’s Angel Award. What an honor to be recognized by my peers.

Conferences

     Conferences, conventions and trade shows are part of every industry. For a writer, there are so many that it's hard to decide which to attend—if any. Those on the national level, like Romance Writers of America's annual conference each summer, are usually very structured with several workshops scheduled each hour. I went to my first RWA conference in 1994 in New York City. Talk about overwhelming. Most of the time I was agog. OMG, was that Nora Roberts??? I gushed "I love your books" to my favorite authors. I met real, live editors and big name agents. Sheesh, I was so green. I went to every workshop before going into an information coma. There was so much to learn I didn't want to waste a single moment. I had no writing income so I felt like I had to justify the expense of the conference, hotel and airfare. I got smarter with subsequent conferences.

     For many years, I went to a regional conference called Autumn Authors, held in Chicago. It wasn't too far to drive from southwest Michigan, was less expensive than the national conference, and an amazing group of authors presented workshops in a more relaxed atmosphere. There were also opportunities for new authors to present workshops plus time to connect with other writers. I was so sorry when AA ended.

     At the opposite end of the spectrum from the national conference is Mid-Michigan RWA's Retreat from Harsh Reality. Now, that's a laid-back event. One multi-published author (this year, Eileen Dreyer) gives two talks and is available throughout the rest of the weekend. While the national conference is professional attire, the Retreat is T-shirts and blue jeans. It's a time to recharge one's creative batteries, a chance to catch up with friends and meet new ones, and just hang out with about fifty other writers.

     Each type of conference has a purpose, just as writers have different needs at different times in their writing careers. A national conference offers opportunities to meet editors and agents, learn firsthand what's happening in the industry, and (for newbies) learn basics of writing. Regional conferences are smaller in scope but offer some of the same opportunities. A small, intimate retreat can also be an introduction to writer conferences.

     Trade shows, like the American Booksellers Association and its affiliates, like the Great Lakes Booksellers Association, are opportunities for writers to interact with booksellers. Then, there's the RT (Romantic Times) Booklovers Convention, geared toward (you guessed it) readers. I've never been to the last but understand that writers and readers have an amazing time.

     Did you notice that one of the common threads is the opportunity to get together with others? Writing is a solitary profession. We write our stories alone, wherever we can carve out a space (a home office, the kitchen table, a coffee shop). We learn to shut out external sounds—either through strength of will or earplugs—and let our imagination take us to another place, another time. While our characters are very real to us, they exist in our heads. Eventually, we need to interact with real people who do the same things we do, people who really understand us.

     This month, I'm heading to Mid-Michigan's Retreat where I'll get together with like-minded people, have lunch (breakfast or dinner) with the amazing Eileen Dreyer, and get re-energized. All that and an amazing Friday Night Chocolate Fest.

     Do you go to conferences, conventions or trade shows? Why?