Monday Morning Musing: My Husband

 

Today is my husband's birthday. A milestone year. We’ve been together for almost 50 years. He’s been my rock throughout all this time. Supportive of anything I’ve wanted to try, especially my writing. He’s cheered me on and commiserated with me over rejections. And he’s celebrated my successes.

As many of you know, we met on a blind date, arranged by two women friends—they both knew me and one’s husband worked with my guy. They thought we would be great together. We were…and still are. We are a generation similar to our parents, yet different in our attitudes, especially toward women’s roles. Before we married, we talked about my role when/if children came along. He said he was okay whatever I chose—to work outside the home or stay home and raise the children. I didn’t realize for a long time what a gift he gave me. The freedom of choice.

He looked on himself as the provider for the family. But his job entailed working much more than a 40-hour week, more like 60 to 80 hour-weeks. When he realized how much he was missing from the kids’ lives, he took a huge risk to change from an assured job to something unknown. It also meant moving several states away from our families. But the new job gave him more time with the children. Time to participate in their activities from Scouts to Odyssey of the Mind.

A quiet man, his love has always been expressed through his actions. He’s a listener, not a judge. Coming from a home where my father’s word was law, I couldn’t believe his understanding and his willingness to listen to other sides, not just with me but with the kids, too. His father was a gentle man, too. They say the apple doesn’t fall from the tree. Very true in this case.

Together, we raised two children who’ve taken the best qualities from each of us and expressed them in their own marriages. They chose spouses who complemented them. Just as he complemented me. We have different talents and skills. He’s math and science; I’m arts and literature. His spatial reasoning puts me to shame. When he says something won’t fit, it usually doesn’t. Woodworking is a talent he put to good use. We have furniture he built, so do our kids. Our grandchildren have Adirondack chairs (their names engraved down one slat) that Papa made. Unfortunately, we have different political views. 😊  In fact, we often cancel each other’s votes.

I’ve often said what a blessing our five grandchildren are. Crawling up on Papa’s lap never gets old. The little ones learn about gentle teasing (never cruel) and tickling. They giggle, race away, then return for more. Pulling on his beard, gently, makes them giggle more.

For almost two years, he wasn’t himself. Strokes, confusion, and what was misdiagnosed as early dementia made him seem distant and vague, as if he couldn’t focus on anything or anyone. It was a scary time for us adults, confusing for the young ones. Worse was the distance because of covid. Thank God, the doctors finally diagnosed him correctly with a proper cure. Our husband, father, grandfather returned.

I’ve been very fortunate to know this man for so long, to work with him as a partner through the good times and difficult ones. My wish for him on this special birthday is that we have many more years together.

 

Happy Birthday, sweetheart.

 

Father's Day

Yesterday, people in the U.S. celebrated Dads. I celebrated the day I knew my blind date was going to be my husband. We’d had two dates and were going to go on our third. I stopped at home to wish my dad a happy day, and I remember telling him how special this guy was. Turns out I was right. He is special.

On my friend Lucy Kubash’s blog last Friday, she talked about how she and her husband have stayed together for forty-four years. Almost as long as Hubs and I have been married. She says “you can’t go through 44 years without a lot of ups and downs…” Isn’t that the truth!

Living with the same person for that many years takes work. We’ve had our share of health scares, financial worries, and a myriad of nitpicky problems that at the time seemed enormous but in hindsight were mere blips on the road to happiness. I can truthfully say, the good times far outweighed the difficult ones.

They say opposites attract. And that’s true with us. He’s the engineer, the science guy, Mr. Fix-It, a DIY expert. I’m more into the arts. He’s patient and calm while I’m short-tempered and excitable. While he is quiet in large groups, he learned more about my uncles in an afternoon than I did my whole life. He’s an only child. I’m the oldest of seven. You could count on one hand his relatives. I need a calculator to count mine.

We grew up in a time when parents did little for their kids at school or with sports. Our folks went to school if there were problems. They didn’t go to our activities. We talk today about “helicopter parents.” Imagine the opposite. That was our parents. So we didn’t have anything to imitate. We became involved at school and outside activities because it seemed like the right thing to do. Foreign territory for Hubs. Not so much for me as a former teacher. But he did it in his quiet way.

One of the things that drove me crazy when our kids were young was his not telling them they couldn’t do something. Instead, he got them to lay out all the pros and cons and come to their own conclusions. A far better and more lasting lesson than just saying “no.”

The best testament to Hubs came from his daughters yesterday on Facebook. Our daughter wrote about her dad and her husband: “I'm grateful for two amazing dads who are willing to share their wisdom, their humor, their patience, and their geekiness with their kids!”

Our daughter-in-law wrote: “You raised a wonderful son and taught him how to be an awesome father and husband! It's clear he had an amazing role model!”

So here’s to my husband, my best friend, and the best father. As I write in the acknowledgements in my books: How glad I am that our friends fixed us up on that blind date!

Babies

I’m sure you’ve heard/read the statement "if I knew grandchildren were so much fun I’d have had them first." So true. When you have children, you’re so concerned about doing things “right.” And then there’s all those other things that need to be taken care of—fix meals (husbands do like to eat), clean the house (esp. when the dust bunnies take over), do laundry (how did we go through so many clothes?), and the job away from home. It came be overwhelming.

With grandchildren, you just have to be there. You can hold them all you want (or as long as their parents let you). You don’t have to worry about household chores. You can sit and talk to them and they look at you with such wide eyes and grins. When they fall asleep in your arms, it’s such a wonderful feeling. You look at this little bundle of joy that came from your child and you marvel at the blessing. When you see that look of awe on your child’s face, you just smile and think “that’s how I looked at you.”

By now I’m sure you figured out that my granddaughter was born. Thanks to the wonders of technology, I saw her in the delivery room. Every day, my son and daughter-in-law send pictures and/or videos. Hubs and I love the instantaneous messages. No waiting for the mail to bring pictures. Phone calls aren’t just sounds of cooing or crying but video, too. Then we got to hold her. I’m enthralled.

She is our third grandchild. You’d think I would be used to this terrific feeling. Nope. How do you get used to a miracle? We’ll enjoy this time with her and not think about when we have to leave. I’ll worry that she won’t remember us. I’ll count the days until we return. In between, we’ll Facetime or Skype and eagerly await new pictures.